Craving for a control that we can never grasp.

BACK AGAIN. Okay, I havn't posted anything in yonks so now i've gone a little crazy tonight.. but this is hot of the er - press? Just finished typing it up there now SO it is maybe a first draft or something? Pretty short, no real flow and to be honest I didn't even want it going this way but it did SO tell me what you think as per good or bad comments are welcome Anything that will help me learn so just no slagging banter for the fun okies?
Hope you enjoy and I promise I will get a happy fic or S/A up soon.

Fiona
xo



No matter what the situation, the place or the time. Life always amazes you. Whether its good or bad it somehow, cleverly, tricks you into thinking everything will be ok and then BAM something twists in your story and your life starts to spiral down and down and down into the echoing silence. If you are like me you like to be in control of everything in your life. You like to have your head on your shoulders; you like to know you hold the reigns and you wear the pants in the relationship.

You know what the most annoying thing is? Even though you desperately want to ‘be in control’ of your life – you never are. Life, in general, is the only thing you can’t be in control of. It’s cruel, it’s beautiful, it’s a bitch, it’s inspirational, it gives you hope, it gives you fear. It makes you feel every emotion under the sun in the most breath taking ways but you are NEVER in control. I hate that.

It was when you, my beautiful little girl, died in my arms that I craved control. I never wanted to feel pain again like I did that day. I never wanted to cry as much as I did when you whispered the words

“Daddy, I love you”

through your dry lips. I never wanted to see that image of someone so close to my heart dying in front of my very eyes. I never ever wanted to feel my heart break apart like I did that day when my 5 year old baby girl died from leukaemia.

Hayley was my first child, Kristy and I had her at a silly age to be honest. In fact the day Kristy became Mrs Poynter she was pregnant with Hayley. The day she arrived I never felt so alive, I was bursting with love! I even cried when I first held her perfect little body in my arms. The next couple of years we grew closer, she was daddy’s little girl through and through. I used to spoil her all the time, it was one of my hobbies, silly I know but God I never felt so happy when I seen her cute little pearly smile spread across that cheeky face. Her eyes would dance when she smiled; her big emerald pools would sparkle and melt my heart. Then I’d scoop her up in my arms and swing her round and round in a circle, her musical laughter ringing in my ears. Now I just sit at her grave, my head spinning around and around and I hear her laughter and see her smile and for that moment I feel peace with the world again and I agree with the quote “You can not always control circumstances, but you can control your own thoughts.”

As the sun shines down on me I slowly open my eyes, take one last look at the headstone and slowly walk off towards the car knowing my baby girl is up in heaven looking down on me. No more pain, no more tears, no more leukaemia and instead of being angry at my lack of control In my life, I am happy that I can control my thoughts and can , frequently, be transported ,in my mind, back to those five glorious years I had with my beautiful Hayley.

it was beautiful
enjoyed it very much
god i hate to bury a child

Ugh why do people write about dying children? Why did you write about a dying/death kid?
Too sad, man.. too sad..
Very well written though! Loved it!
Love you
xo <3

SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
Incredible. But sad. You're an awesome writer!
<3

Thanks guys
I apologize if the death of a child offended any of you... my work will get happier soon I promise! haha
xx